Monday, January 31, 2011

Best of Friends,awww

So, the other day I went to pick up the kids from school and Nick is mr. Social. He HAS to kiss and hug everyone when he leaves school. Wich was wierd for everyone at first but now they know him, so it's good. While we were walking from the Kindergarten area he ran up behind his teacher and almost tackled her to the ground with a HUGE bear hug. I was embarrassed and ran up to her to apologize. And she told me in my ear that Nick is my favorite, Don't tell anyone, but I love him so much. He is the sweetest thing to everyone, and what I love the most is when I see Alaria and Nick in the Halls in School together because Nick will scream across the school to Alaria telling her, "I love You, Alaria." And she yells back that she loves him too. And they always hug hug hug when they see each other.
That warmed my heart because I've always known that they have a most special bond. They are fiercely protective of each other and cry when the other cries. They barely fight. Now with that said, lets pray that they stay that way always.

I just love those two soooo much and I want them to stay this way FOREVER!!!!!

How long would it take ME to become a Doctor?

So, I'm so wishing my body would let me be well enough to get off the couch, so I could become that doctor I want to be. I went to my Doc today to find out about my heart. He was very concerned about it, and insisted that I stay down because my blood pressure is so high and is testing me for whatever else he is testing me for, then after that my husband asked him if the pain in my chest would abate after my blood pressure goes down, which when I checked in was 168/115. To which he replied as he looks into my eyes," Have you been seeing a therapist or psychologist? Because I'm concerned with all of your mysterious pains, Fibromyalgia, Pelvis, and now Heart that you may just have severe anxiety and are causing yourself to have heart problems," So, yet another doctor who thinks I'm basically manifesting these symptoms that started 10 years ago in Italy on my mission, because I was stressed. I had to hold in my rage as did Tyler and if you knew Tyler you would know he never gets mad. Tyler told him, "Yes she sees a psychiatrist because after 10 years of severe pain and sleeplessness she needs their help, but let me assure you my wife was the happiest person I had ever met 10 years ago with an idyllic childhood and no crazy problems to speak of. She was in Italy of all "STRESSFUL" places when her sympotms slowly began in her legs. And when we married we were so happy and looking to a life of love and fun. She did not manifest these symptoms to deal with any crazy and fake stress you always refer too." We realized he does not treat my pain issues and is a GP, so arguing with him is pointless, because I just need the help with my heart and get my pressure down and send me to the cardiologist. So anyone in NM let me know if you have a good GP. But this is just one of the hundreds, and I mean hundreds of Doctors who do not believe in these dieseases that exist but their is no real proof like a blood test or x-ray or anything like that. I've seriously HAD it with the treatment people with chronic pain disease recieve when we seek help for our "unexplained' pain. It is not my fault that there are hundreds of diseases that exist that cause severe problems yet there is no explanation for, so lets assume that the patient is "crazy". So I left the office in tears and sadly my little 7 year old Alaria was with us because she caught another cold/flu, 3rd one this month, and she was there with us to see her Doc. I ddn't want her to see my tears and yet I could not help but feel as though my character and BEING were coming into question yet again. Because of course I have nothing better to do with my life except make up crazy symptoms that have debilitated my body. So twice in one week I have been told i'm basically crazy by these doctors here. He does have to pay attention to the proof of the heart. I guess matters of the heart always win. At least that will hopefully be helped and I'll continue to search for help with the rest. But Alaria came home and wrote me the sweetest letter that I want to save and I copied and will post. While I was feeling sorry for myself my 7 year old reminded me who is really looking out for me and that I'm NOT alone. It speaks for itself. Thank you to all of you who help us and are my real friends. Family who love me regardless of what opinions they may have of my situation. They look past judgment and see my Heart and look at what I try to do to LIVE. Which sometimes is a daily battle. Love to you!!! Thanks Alaria for saving me today. Her Letter. . . . . . . .
My Baby Girl

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Heartache or Heart Attack?

So last week I was sincerely hoping that this flu/cold would leave this home like you would wish some unseen ghost that haunts houses,haha. But not to be here at our house. I had the worst attack of the flu I've ever had. Was throwing up every 15 minutes and didn't sleep for almost 3 days. I'm thinking I have the worst flu of my life when my heart starts to hurt extremely bad. I'm thinking oh, it's definitly just because I'm dehydrated. So, I finally get a doc to give me some anti nausea medicine to help the nausea. I feel like Ishould start to rebound. But I wake up the 4th morning and can't see. I go to stand up and everything is blurry and my heart aches like I've never felt before. I start to think about my crazy symptoms and maybe they are related to high blood pressure. I've had that problem before when I had Alaria and about 2 years ago, and the symptoms seem the same. But I let it go for the day. I am sitting there at midnight, tears running down my face wondering when will this heartache go away? I get worried that maybe this heart pain is real, so by 2am Tyler talks me into going to the nearest pharmacy with a blood pressure cuff. So, I barely make it to Walmart. Seriously almost crashed because I'm seeing dots in my vision. I get there and it ready 178/ 122. OK Thats Heart Attack. I am still not going to the hospital because let me just say in the last year my experiences with the hospital here in New Mexico has been less than stellar. I called Tyler and he told me to go to Walgreens and have a pharmacist take it. So I did and it read about the same. The pharmacist tells me to go straight to the ER. I was only a block away. I didn't want to go figuring that they would do what they have done the WHOLE YEAR. Treat me like crap and take a lot of our money and send me home telling me to see a Doctor.haha Like there are no Doctors there. I seriously have some kind of jinx when it comes to ER Doctors and Nurses. I always get the absolute worst. But I'm scared that it's more than heartache that my body simply wont do what I've always wanted it to. So, I relent and go the the Rio Rancho Presbyterian Hospital. Where I've been several times, unfortunately with my health issues and last years car accident. When I get there my blood pressure is reading 168/ 119. So, I told Tyler to try and find someone to come sleep with the kids, unfortunately nobody answers their phones at 3AM. So I was alone. The "Nurse" came in and told me, " come on we're going to the ultra sound room". So, I guess I'm supposed to follow him since I"m apparantley waisting his time. So, I'm quickly realizing, Crap this isn't going to be good. I about pass out as I try to keep up with his dissapearing back. Since when do you not wheel a patient to get an X-Ray anyways? Not sure. I make it there and the x-ray tech decides to yell at him to come back and get me when I throw up on her. haha. Still very nauseous. They leave me in my room for over 2 hours and the blood pressure monitor hooked up to me is beeping the WHOLE time becuase it's extremely high. While I'm sitting there crying I hear many sirens and hear there is a major wreck coming into the little ER. "Great", I think. Now I will just have my heart attack and they can find me when they finish up with the others. Finally after the more than surly nurse man, who you can see has deep contempt for this idiotic girl claiming to have chest pains. Trying to figure out why they are being so horrible to me the doc steps in and tells me he sees that I've been in the ER with a mysterious pelvic pain in the past. "Yes," I say."I had a bladder surgery at the end of December and was diagnosed with Interstitial Cystitis." Oh, that explains why you're blood is a little thick and you're heart rate is so high. It's from your surgery you had OVER A MONTH AGO????? I just stare because I know exactly what he is thinking. He can see in my patient history that I suffer from fibromyalgia a mysterious pain disorder that hardly any doctor understands or cares about. Plus my new diagnosis of a bladder disorder that causes severe pain in the pelvis and is also not curable and quite mysterious. He says, "You have White Lab Coat Syndrome. Every time you get near a Doctor your blood pressure goes up. And quite frankly you have many Unexplained pains that no one can explain." As I stare in real disbelief because frankly I espected it to be bad, but not quite this bad. I let the tears just roll on down as usual I hear disdain in the Doctor and Surly Nurses voice. "You heartbeat is a little irradic and you're blood is a little abnormal, thicker than normal, but you just need to see your primary care physician sometime soon." I cant even speak. The surly man nurse who thinks it's funny I guess procedes to tell me that it's true everytime I've been in the ER in the last while and the records they have on me show my blood pressure is high, but it's because I get nervous when I go to the Doctor because i'm in mysterious pain. By now, I know they just plain don't believe my words although my heart rate and blood pressure continue to be high as he is unhooking me he tells me to buy a blood pressure cuff and test it at home for awhile to see if it really is a problem and when I get home I'll see it will drop and become normal. So I march out and get into my car at 5Am. I sit and wonder why would anyone treat anyone like that? I guess I lost a lot that night. What little hope I had left in Doctors maybe. I cried my way home nearly wrecking my car. Realizing somewhere in those reports a Doctor had written something about me and my previous visits to the ER with other concerns as I have been sick, really sick, for 10 long years. I felt very small and pretty horrible. Today Tyler bough a blood pressure cuff. All day it has read 160-170/ 110-119. Here I sit at whatever time it is, no idea feeling very alone and realizing that by Monday, When I can get to my primary care physician ,who didn't notice that last year when I got very ill my sugar count was 420, most people go into a coma by then, that I had aquired diabetes from a medication I was taking. Finally a nurse noticed and while he was out of town another doctor diagnosed me. Anyways in the end it might be heartache and a heart attack before I can get into a doctor who could care less if I am sick or NOT????

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Happy New Year and Christmas

What a sad attempt to start my blog about forever ago. I promised myself I would do it this year so I could keep an on line journal for myself. This year is bound to be better than last year. 2011 will Rock. Our family is doing well. Even though I hit a rather rough patch health wise rounding out 2010 with 2 surgeries and a million major tests that took me to the hospital. This year will be a year of healing, fingers crossed. New Mexico has great weather and our ward is our family. That's what we like about New mexico. The kids LOVE school. They have a great school. Tyler is still at Hewlett Packard and we love having his new building 3 minutes away. He is busy with the bishopbric and just being an awesome Dad and husband. I got very lucky in that department. I love him so much I don't know how I deserve him. He truly is the best person I know. The kids are hilarious as usual. We love watching them grow. Alaria is busy dancing and socializing. She loves school and does very well. They want to test her for the "gifted" program. Tyler and I just stared at each other when they told us that they wanted to test her at the end of the year. I always thought she was smart, but of course you always think your child is smart. But we laugh becuase I will admit I was a little more social about school, althout I love learning. She takes it to a whole new level. They said for this gifted program she has to test in the top 4% of New Mexico's Children's IQ. OK. So anywho we love that about her. Nick is mr. Social and loves to kiss and hug everyone. At first people would stand awkwardly when he tears through like a hugging and kissing tornado.haha He is reading and doing awesome. So, anywho we love out little family life. We did just get done passing the flu around the family the past few weeks and hopefully that will come to an end. And we can get on to our New Year! Christmas was so fun. The kids had an awesome time in Colorado. Tyler's whole family was able to come, so the kids got to see most of their cousins. They just loved that. My parents were there visiting my brother, so we saw everyone, but my sister and her fam left in Idaho. We missed them. Well, I'll leave a few pics of the fun christmas and hold myself accountable to use this as my journal. yaya Here we come 2011

Christmas Eve Christmas Eve Hike in Colorado The kids waiting for christmas

Great G-ma & G-pa Sorensen GreatG-pa, Nick & Alaria Happy New year Gma -Gpa!!

Nick,Alaria, and Mua

Alaria and Adalie
Daddy n Alaria Macady Alaria Santa n Kids The Mall
Well of course they're are a million pics I would like to put but my bootie is numb from sitting in this chair trying to figure out this blog thing. I'm sure it will get easier with time.haha Well. Christmas was good and this year will be even better. Happy "Late" new year to all and to all a good night.